Those Words given by A Parent Which Saved Us as a First-Time Dad

"I think I was simply in survival mode for a year."

One-time reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the difficulties of being a father.

However the truth quickly became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health issues surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her main carer while also taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I handled every night time, every change… each outing. The duty of both parents," Ryan shared.

Following eleven months he burnt out. It was a talk with his own dad, on a public seat, that led him to understand he needed help.

The simple phrases "You're not in a good place. You must get assistance. What can I do to assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and start recovering.

His experience is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. Although society is now better used to talking about the strain on moms and about PND, less is said about the struggles fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan thinks his challenges are symptomatic of a wider failure to talk between men, who often hold onto harmful notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and remains standing every time."

"It is not a show of weakness to request help. I failed to do that soon enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - most notably in preference to a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental well-being is just as important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the space to take a pause - going on a few days away, outside of the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotions as well as the day-to-day duties of looking after a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she needed" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

'Parenting yourself

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his experiences as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to better grasp the language of feelings and understand his decisions as a father.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "terrible choices" when he was younger to modify how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as an escape from the hurt.

"You find your way to substances that don't help," he notes. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, confide in a trusted person, your other half or a counsellor about your state of mind. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the pursuits that helped you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. It could be exercising, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical health - eating well, staying active and when you can, sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is doing.
• Connect with other new dads - sharing their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after your own well-being is the optimal method you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead give the security and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the feelings constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they acknowledged their pain, changed how they express themselves, and figured out how to control themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… processing things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I said, at times I feel like my purpose is to teach and advise you what to do, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am understanding just as much as you are through this experience."